Fez #53: Steve “Mongo” Mosley

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“I have followed the Order of the Fez for some time and recently decided that I would like to petition to the order. In the past I thought myself not worthy but after explaining my fez to a stranger at a restaurant recently it occurred to me that having the Fezorocity to wear it in all manner of places and then to explain: “No I’m not a Shriner, I wanted to be one, but it turns out I couldn’t fit in the car. So it’s just me.” (I’m kind of a big guy.) might qualify me.”

“I remember the old website had the guidelines to do so but wasn’t able to find it on the new posterous site? If I recall there was the option to specify the number that you’d like to be, in my case I’d like 53 as my father graduated HS in 1953 and I also have a couple 1953 Trucks and a car. Needless to say I poked around the internet and was able to track you down so I thought I’d ask for your help in this matter. If there is someone better to discuss with let me know. Also if you could point out what other requirements I need to meet I can provide whatever information is necessary as well as any headgear references that might be required.”

Respectfully yours, Steve “Mongo” Mosley

Yes, Steve, I believe we did post some guidelines at one time but we made those up as we went along, so…

Once I explained the Sanctity of the Sequence, Steve said he is fine with #51, so please welcome him to The Order.

UPDATE: Fuck it. We haven’t had a new POW in months so if Mongo wants #53, he’s got it. We’ll treat #52 like the 13th floor in a skyscraper. There isn’t one (unless and until someone requests it). I thought I had posted this Royal Decree but apparently not.


Fez #51: Ambassador Carl

I’m not sure how we’ve survived without a fezzer from the Volunteer State, but we can all breath a little easier now.

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My name is Carl! I am from Tennessee and you need a Ambassador to this great state for the Order of the Fez! I would love to become a member of The Order of the Fez! I’m very loyal! I love my fez! A lot of people even think that it is cool! If I become a member I shall be called Ambassador Carl. Because I will be the Fez wearing man in Tennessee!  So Fez #1 will you pleace see it in your heart to have me! Your Friend Ambassador Carl

We’re instituting rationing of exclamation points (!) due to Ambassador Carl’s profligate use of same. Now, here’s what we need from Carl: Some background. Who are you and what do you do? And some photos of you acting ambassadorial in public. Extra points for not wearing pants. And we need a larger version of your Petition of Worthiness photo.


Fez #50: Jason W. Burgess

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Dear Fezpersons: I have diligently been trolling on your site for minutes now and have noticed a distinct and disturbing fact. Your organization appears to blatantly cater exclusively to creative and otherwise non-mainstream persons clearly to the exclusion of otherwise middle-of-the-pack, norm-abiding and “vanilla” citizens. This discriminatory practice cannot be tolerated in today’s mac-n-cheese (with no cheese) world of homogeny. I therefore propose to assist you with this oversight and hereby petition for admittance to your OOTF (or, since I reside in California, your TSABOOTF [reference Fez #24’s acceptance proclamation]) as your token normal person.

I am in possession of the requisite fez, which I legitimately obtained through another fez-centric organization. I am also in possession of other brimless haberdashery, though such is tassel-less (its bell-hop hat appearance is, however, also commonly seen on organ-grinding monkeys).

I hereby request and lay claim to Fez #50, one of the rare and mystical “Fez Numbers That End In Zero.” It is appropriate that I be awarded said fez for the reasons set forth herein below:

  1. As 1 to 100 is typically considered the standard mean deviation spread, 50 would be the middle of that bell curve. Therefore, 50 is appropriate for such a norm-abiding person as myself.
  2. Counting the home page, the FAQ page and the Google Maps page, in addition to the individual pages of each of the 46 members, 50 is the exact number of pages on your site I have viewed. (Yes, that adds only to 49, but I went to the FAQ twice because the links there didn’t work and I needed to check my browser wasn’t at fault.)
  3. As the current membership at the time of this petition rests at 46, this allows you some time to contact your legal department and determine the cost-benefit ratio of your exclusionary practices and the costs of litigation over the same, should any disgruntled and declined applicant (eh..hemmm) choose to pursue such a claim.
  4. By including myself in your organization as a member of an obvious majority, er… , minority, you might thereafter qualify for various governmental contracts or grants.*

Anticipating your protests that I lack the qualifications for membership, please be aware that as a youngster I took ukulele lessons, I am a member of the Fezorati network, I have “fanned” Fez-O-Rama on Facebook, I am not above dropping names (obviously), I have watched MST3000 and enjoyed it, I can use the term “swank” appropriately and have owned actual Hawaiian tikis (and a coconut monkey wearing glasses.)

Oh, and for the sake of conformity I include the answers to questions that are unasked: Bob the Butcher wears a red fez, Doc and the Professor are Egyptian (well, people say they live there anyway), and it is 7:14am in Missouri.

Please be aware that, unlike Fez #30, I am not willing to do “anything at all” to join your organization, especially if it involves the phrase “trust me.” I will, however, laugh almost audibly at the postings on your website and be willing to contact bailbondsmen for the rest of you when necessary. You know you will need someone on the outside.

Sincerely, Grand Poo Bah

(*these statements have not been reviewed for their veracity or the actual availability of any contract or grant or the criteria for securing the same.)

We first heard from Jason several members ago. He had his heart set on becoming Fez #50. When I explained that we took members in order and did not jump ahead numerically, he decided to wait, taking the risk that someone would snoop in ahead of him and grab the coveted 50.

We find it noteworthy that his excellent Petition of Worthiness was written on an iPhone. And I believe his photo is the only one actually taken in the closet.

Have I done the “our ranks are swelling” joke?

Fez #1


Fez #49: Dr. Goldfoot

Oh Honorable Scribe of the Fez: Humbly I come before you imploring your consideration. Having spent many years trudging through the many watering holes in this wonderful state (California), I felt something was missing. From late nights at the likes of the Tiki-Ti in southern Cal, all the way to the Tonga Room in San Francisco’s Fairmont Hotel, I became very familiar with the Cult of Cool.

Something was still missing.

Then I found the FEZ. My life changed. There’s a new outlook, and a renewed vigor for all things cool and swank.

Having done my due diligence, I scoured the internet and came across The Order of the Fez.

I come before you now asking… pleading… begging. No, just asking… to bestow upon me the honor of Fez #49.

Forever your servant,
Dr. Goldfoot (aka Kevin Hamblin)

I’m guessing the honorific is academic but if it’s medical, please tell us you are a podiatrist. Although I’m pretty sure there are no podiatrists with soul patches… where was I?

Ah, yes. Members, please form a virtual circle around Dr. G for the in-no-way-gay group hug and welcome Fez #49 to The Order of the Fez.

PS: Can we get a larger photo for the press release?


Fez #48: Uncle Elvis

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Dear Sir,

I pen this missive –though neither word is applicable– with a distinct lack of humility and upon the invitation of his lordship, the Howlin’ Hobbit, a founding member, along with my not-so humble self, of “FWUP”, a group on the website “UkuleleUnderground.com”, Fez Wearing Ukulele Players.

The blackguard brought out the thumbscrews and demanded that, in return, I ask to join your illustrious disorganization.

So here I is. Throwing meself at your feet – metaphorically, of course. I just had these slacks drycleaned! – and begging – again, metaphorically, as it wouldn’t be becoming, now would it? – for admission.

Please find attached two images of me wearing my fez (the other image).

The fez was found by my brother in a Thrift Store in Nebraska over 20 years ago and has been worn on every possible occasion since then.

Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to hearing from you,

Best regards,
Uncle Elvis

I suppose we could have some sort of reciprocal membership with FWUP (a word that falls just short of onomatopoeia, as does OOTF). Your first NMQ (New Member Quest) is to provide audio or video of you performing with the noble uke; and to provide a photo of yourself that wasn’t taken in a Philips 66 Convenience Story restroom.

Welcome to The Order of the Fez, #48


Fez #47: Carl “Catfish” Schneider

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I, your humble and obedient (yeah, right) servant “Catfish”, do hereby beg your consideration of my request to join your most exalted ranks.

I was born to wear the Fez… literally. An unfortunate case of “butterfingers” on the part of mom’s obstetrician resulted in the newborn Catfish landing smartly, headfirst, in the delivery room floor drain. By the time I was extricated, my pliable neo-natal skull had assumed the truncated-cone shape of the drain interior… and stayed that way.

In my school days, this embarrassing condition was easily concealed by the dunce cap my teachers generally asked me to wear, but the approach of manhood demanded a more permanent solution. Trendy hairstyles worked for a while, but thinning dome-foliage eventually required me to look further.

The answer to my woes came as the result of another unfortunate accident a few years back. I was minding my own business, watching a local parade, when one of a group of teeny-tiny, tiny-teeny, tiny little cars left the parade route, plunged into the crowd and mowed me down. When I regained consciousness, first aid was being administered by a group of jolly gentlemen wearing the way-cool skypiece that I now know to be the Fez. Eureka! The perfect cover… made with my misshapen melon in mind!

(Although, due to my cranial anomaly, I couldn’t pass the physical to officially join their jolly ranks {go figure}, I decided “F*** them, I’ll just buy my own damn Fez”.)

The rest is Feztory.

p.s. I am also a player/collector of ukuleles (see photo) and keeper of a humble (really humble) website “Catfish’s Closet” dedicated to all things uke  (Fez #’s 8, 17, & 18 grace the “Rogue’s Gallery” section of my website).

That should count for something, right?

Catfish (AKA Carl Schneider)

You’ve come to the right place, Catfish. Scan a few of our POW photos and and you’ll see no shortage of misshapen heads and snappy fashion. And, yes, lots and lots of ukuleles.

Please rise and join me in welcoming Fez #47, Catfish!


Fez #46: Peter Brusoe

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Salve Fellow Milliner Aficionados: Today we write you to request humble admission into the Order of the Fez. While many people know the second greatest fatherly advice given to a son, (Polonius advising Laertes to be true to himself) people overlook the wisdom of Mr. C to Richie “The hat makes the fraternity.” We are petitioning you today to admit to the membership PDubya Brusoe the Human, Rocky the Raccoon, and Ms. Honey Jo Bear. We present to you a poem:

There was a boy, a bear and a raccoon
They loved to get together at noon
One would bring tea, another cakes,
The third would bring frosted flakes

See here PDubs, can you pass the box?
Rocky would ask standing on the rocks.
Sure Rocky here you go! and you Ms Bear?
I’m fine but if you cold get me a chair?

There the three of them sat and supped
The sun in the sky went on up.
As the UV rays sat and baked the trio
They complained and said no hace frio!

They each had a very bad sun burn
From this they each soon learned
When it came time to sup, a hat was a must
Else their skin was colored rust!

Alas, what type of hat would they wear?
This was a matter of very important care!
One tried the beautiful brown derby
But they all looked like an out of place furby.

One tried a fedora complete with a feather
Alas, they looked like my Aunt Heather
Their hat experiments had a number of run ins,
Like The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins

The Zucchetto, the Ushanka, the Tuque!
The top hat the Tricrne and even a Toque!
A sombero, a Pith, a Kepi, Monetra
They were exhausted and said no mora!

They three asked, alas what shall we do?
As they passed right on by the zoo.
There a camel came across the trio
“What is wrong?” he asked ala curio

“Oh Mr. Camel, it is horrible, we can’t find a hat!”
The raccoon cried as a tear fell all big and fat.
“Have you tried the most noble and glorious fez?
It works well, or that’s what everyone says!

The fez is conical in shape with a flat end
This will cause the sun’s rays to bend
On the side of the hat is the tassel
Gives you the wind speed with no hassle.”

Ms. Bear raised her paws
Then the camel paused.
“Mr. Camel this is good
Wear a fez, we should!”

The human asked the raccoon and the bear:
“Will we provide free, high quality healthcare?”
“No, said the bear, we’ll leave that to the shriners
They do great care for minors”

From that day forward our trio had their hat
They can enjoy the sun and sit on a picnic mat.
When we heard about this noble order of the fez
we figured we would apply and do what the leader says

We hope our supplication has been fine and that we could become Fez
46A, 46B and 46C.

In fez solidarity,

Pdubs, Rocky and Ms. Bear

Peter clearly has the Secret Sauce we call fezorocity and is worthy of membership. However, given the lack of human chromosomes, Honorary Membership is the best we can do for his raccoon and stuffed bear.

Please make PDubya welcome in the Ancient and Accustomed Manner.

Fezonepointoh