Fez #50: Jason W. Burgess


Dear Fezpersons: I have diligently been trolling on your site for minutes now and have noticed a distinct and disturbing fact. Your organization appears to blatantly cater exclusively to creative and otherwise non-mainstream persons clearly to the exclusion of otherwise middle-of-the-pack, norm-abiding and “vanilla” citizens. This discriminatory practice cannot be tolerated in today’s mac-n-cheese (with no cheese) world of homogeny. I therefore propose to assist you with this oversight and hereby petition for admittance to your OOTF (or, since I reside in California, your TSABOOTF [reference Fez #24’s acceptance proclamation]) as your token normal person.

I am in possession of the requisite fez, which I legitimately obtained through another fez-centric organization. I am also in possession of other brimless haberdashery, though such is tassel-less (its bell-hop hat appearance is, however, also commonly seen on organ-grinding monkeys).

I hereby request and lay claim to Fez #50, one of the rare and mystical “Fez Numbers That End In Zero.” It is appropriate that I be awarded said fez for the reasons set forth herein below:

  1. As 1 to 100 is typically considered the standard mean deviation spread, 50 would be the middle of that bell curve. Therefore, 50 is appropriate for such a norm-abiding person as myself.
  2. Counting the home page, the FAQ page and the Google Maps page, in addition to the individual pages of each of the 46 members, 50 is the exact number of pages on your site I have viewed. (Yes, that adds only to 49, but I went to the FAQ twice because the links there didn’t work and I needed to check my browser wasn’t at fault.)
  3. As the current membership at the time of this petition rests at 46, this allows you some time to contact your legal department and determine the cost-benefit ratio of your exclusionary practices and the costs of litigation over the same, should any disgruntled and declined applicant (eh..hemmm) choose to pursue such a claim.
  4. By including myself in your organization as a member of an obvious majority, er… , minority, you might thereafter qualify for various governmental contracts or grants.*

Anticipating your protests that I lack the qualifications for membership, please be aware that as a youngster I took ukulele lessons, I am a member of the Fezorati network, I have “fanned” Fez-O-Rama on Facebook, I am not above dropping names (obviously), I have watched MST3000 and enjoyed it, I can use the term “swank” appropriately and have owned actual Hawaiian tikis (and a coconut monkey wearing glasses.)

Oh, and for the sake of conformity I include the answers to questions that are unasked: Bob the Butcher wears a red fez, Doc and the Professor are Egyptian (well, people say they live there anyway), and it is 7:14am in Missouri.

Please be aware that, unlike Fez #30, I am not willing to do “anything at all” to join your organization, especially if it involves the phrase “trust me.” I will, however, laugh almost audibly at the postings on your website and be willing to contact bailbondsmen for the rest of you when necessary. You know you will need someone on the outside.

Sincerely, Grand Poo Bah

(*these statements have not been reviewed for their veracity or the actual availability of any contract or grant or the criteria for securing the same.)

We first heard from Jason several members ago. He had his heart set on becoming Fez #50. When I explained that we took members in order and did not jump ahead numerically, he decided to wait, taking the risk that someone would snoop in ahead of him and grab the coveted 50.

We find it noteworthy that his excellent Petition of Worthiness was written on an iPhone. And I believe his photo is the only one actually taken in the closet.

Have I done the “our ranks are swelling” joke?

Fez #1


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